As a 29-year-old Christian man who has spent the better part of 12 years single and serving in the church, I have encountered several people offering their encouragement and their advice to me concerning my singleness. I have no doubt these people are well-meaning people who genuinely care about me and my relationship status. Many have also encouraged me and have offered perspectives that have challenged my way of thinking. However, I must also admit that the church has been largely unhelpful in navigating singles in and through their singleness. So, after some time of reading and studying about singleness and having some hard conversations with friends, with church members, with my mother and brothers, with myself, and with God, I felt inspired to write this blogpost. 

Below I will address common issues I have faced as a Christian single serving in the local church.

• Just focus on Jesus. If you aren’t content in him, you won’t be content in anyone else.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is true, right? So, what is the big deal about it? For me it is an assumption. It assumes that a person cannot faithfully hold the tension between loving Jesus and being content in Him, as well as genuinely desiring a spouse. In Genesis 2, the Bible tells the story of Adam living in perfect fellowship with God in the garden of Eden. Sin hasn’t found itself in the story yet, Adam is given the responsibility of working the garden and naming all the animals, but God concludes this about Adam’s existence: “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (v.18). The words “help meet” comes from the Hebrew word ezer which means “strong support” and is the same word used for God helping His people. While Adam was busy working the garden, the Bible says, “but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him” (v.20). What strikes me about this story is that Adam was in perfect fellowship with God, speaking directly to God, and partnering with him to care for the garden. So, what else did he need? According to God, Adam needed a companion in a way that God could not fulfill. The theological truth is that God exists in unity and in community within Himself, that is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, but Adam needed a different type of community with other humans.

To the single person, it is okay to hold the tensions of your love for and service to God with a strong desire to meet and to get married to someone one day. And the best advice this author has for you is to not make the same mistake I made in my early 20s. When I was younger, I had done everything in my life I thought I wanted to do. I have traveled out of the country, I have gone on vacation, I graduated college, I was in ministry, and I had convinced myself not to experience anything new until I had a wife to experience it with. It was only until this past month that, as I was preparing to write this blogpost, I changed my mind. Dear single person, the best advice I have for you comes from advice that was offered to me by a lady named Geri:

“Don’t live life like you’re waiting. Live the most fulfilled, joyful life you can now.”

Jesus was single and yet He lived the most fulfilled, joyful life that any person has ever lived. In the Gospels, John writes, “And there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the books that should be written. Amen” (Jn. 21:25). John writes that Jesus lived his life so fully, that the world could not contain the books that could be written about Him and about His life. As author W.M. Lewis says, “the tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.” Single person do not wait until you have someone before you decide to start living the life God has for you. The opportunities are endless.

• Secondly, the aim of my singleness should be finding a spouse, but the aim of my marriage is to serve God.

I have heard it before, “you should try online dating / join a new ministry / go to more events.” My issue with phrases like this is that it treats singleness as a problem to fix, but I am convinced that the loudest gospel message someone preaches is from their singleness or from their marriage. And that preaching from either singleness or marriage does not suggest that one’s message is lesser than or greater than another.

As a pastor who attends conferences and meets other pastors, evangelists, or other ministry leaders, it does amaze me how many times I catch people looking at my ring finger or how many times I am asked questions about my age and if I’m married or dating, etc. I’m sure many do not intend on making it seem this way, but I must admit that it often comes across as if my value as a person would go up in the eyes of leaders if I had been married. 

 But what else do you expect when the church propagates the message that the most fulfilling life a person can have is as a spouse and a parent. Now, for a married person, I agree, that is the highest calling. However, that does not mean the highest calling for the single is a marriage covenant. The highest calling for a single is their singleness and its equally fulfilling as marriage may be for couples, yet in its own unique way. 

In the book, Emotionally Healthy Leader by Pete Scazzero, Pete writes this about the way singles and married couples honor God:

“Married couples bear witness to the depth of Christ’s love. Their vows focus and limit them to loving one person exclusively, permanently, and intimately. Single people bear witness to the breadth of Christ’s love. Because they are not limited by a vow to one person, they have more freedom and time to express the love of Christ to a broad range of people.”¹

  When we take the position that regardless of your marital status, both single and married couples have the same vocation: we’re both called to Jesus, we’re both called by Jesus, and we’re both called for Jesus. We need to understand that our value isn’t dependent on our status. We receive love from God and are enabled by God to give love to others.

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul writes this concerning singleness and marriage, “For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.” In short, Paul is not wanting to attach any stigma to the single state. He asserted earlier in this same chapter that celibacy (or singleness) was good, and that his wish was that everyone could see the benefits of it. However, this isn’t the point. Paul didn’t weigh the pros and cons of marriage and singleness; he concludes that both are gifts.

To the single person, you are not a second-class citizen in the kingdom of God. You are not in the waiting room for all that God and life has left to offer. Instead of rushing out of your singleness, conclude that God, through his grace, has given you this gift of celibacy as the vehicle to proclaim the gospel message with your life. You have the opportunity for real kingdom impact in the world that is unique to your singleness. This isn’t a punishment for you. This is the grace of God that is wanting to shine out of your life so that others may see it and glorify your Father in heaven. So, take heart, friend. God sees you. He knows the desires of your heart, and he has given you grace. 

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1. Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Leader: How Transforming Your Inner Life Will Deeply Transform Your Church, Team, and the World (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2015), 87. ↩︎

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